I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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