I met the friendliest cop last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
