I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
