I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
