I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
