The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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