Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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