the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
