nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
