he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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