dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I believe in your delicious
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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