You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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