mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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