what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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