I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
