girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
