just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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