At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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