I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
