there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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