Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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