I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
