i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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