Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
