I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
