My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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