i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
