Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
