Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
