I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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