i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
