I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
