If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
