Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
