I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
