Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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