I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
