....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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