She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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