Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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