I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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