yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This girl is more easily done than said...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
