You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
