I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
