I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
