Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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