WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
