I cannot find my penis.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
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I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
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Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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