he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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