When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
