I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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