I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
