Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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