ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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