i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
