I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
