community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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