please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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