peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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